Abstract
When we're upset we tend to talk in judgements: you never listen, that was selfish. The other person hears an attack and starts defending themselves. Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication swaps the judgement for four parts: what happened, how you feel about it, the need behind the feeling, and a specific request.
It works in the other direction too. When someone is upset with you, you can try to guess their feelings and needs before you reply.
Method
- 01
Describe what happened
Say what you saw or heard, specifically enough that anyone in the room would agree it happened.
- 02
Name the feeling
Say what you feel, like worried or frustrated. Avoid words that describe what someone did to you, like ignored or attacked.
- 03
Connect it to a need
Name the need behind the feeling, such as rest or respect. Everyone recognises these needs, which makes it easier for the other person to listen.
- 04
Make a request
Ask for something specific the other person could do now. If they can't say no, it's a demand.
When to use it
- The same friction with someone close keeps turning into the same argument.
- You need to bring up something that hurt you without starting a fight.
- Someone is angry with you and you want to understand them before you respond.
Common pitfalls
- Saying "I feel that" or "I feel like". What follows is usually a thought about the other person.
- Following the form while your tone still blames them.
- Asking for what you don't want, like "stop interrupting". Say what you'd like instead.
- Getting angry when the answer to your request is no.
Origin and references
Attributed to Marshall B. Rosenberg (1999).
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.
- Center for Nonviolent Communication. Feelings and needs inventories.